blood
by Piriluk
Summary: His heart beating against his chest, he let a thought wander into his mind that he'd blocked out many years before: oh yes, oh, was he in love with his beautiful neighbour, Rin. And he honestly couldn't ignore such feelings anymore. Just a tale of growing up and lost hope. / onesided!LenxRin / oneshot / rated M to be safe / please R&R


rated M because Len is like _hrorn horrnnn_ - oh, and Rin's boobs, of course.

(note; this is set in the 1920s-30s but blegh I am not like 90 years old and of course there will be mistakes _I tried my_ _best_)

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><p><strong>Blood<strong>

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><p>He met her in the garden outside the small world of his home; a peculiar, brown creature with dirty blonde hair and wide blue eyes. Her white dress was stained with the soil of the wet earth, and streaks of mud covered her pink skin. She had grinned, her hands in the ground, her eyes twinkling with timeless youth.<p>

Rin, the creature's name was. His neighbour. He was told she was a girl—he was told if he ever crossed her path, to be polite, as his mother was always anxious for him to be on the best of his behaviour.

Len never really ventured out much; and today was one of those rare days he took to exploring. The grass was sloshy from the days and days of torrential rain, the air thick with the scent of that morning's downpour.

He rolled up his sleeves and crouched beside the mud monster named Rin, looking at her curiously as she dug her hands into the soft earth, her eyelashes long and dark in contrast with her porcelain skin.

"Whatcha up to?" he asked.

Rin slapped messily at the pile of mud she'd collected, the brown substance splashing up onto Len's legs and trousers. "'m making a pie, you want some?"

Len gazed a little nervously at her creation, before smiling uncomfortably at the girl. "Okay," he complied, and Rin's eyes sparkled in excitement.

He joined the girl in the strange game, feeling the wet, squishy mud slide through his fingers, and along with the disgust, came amusement.

That was his first memory of Rin.

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Rin was like the sun, Len like a planet; dependent and always revolving around her and the bright smile she always held. Their mothers described them to be joined at the hip, inseparable, and the criticism thrown at them by observers and the other kids fell on deaf ears, as they were too infatuated with the idea of being with each other rather than venturing out of their comfort zones.

However, they were soon assimilated into the hectic, loud corridors of middle school; where Rin felt too young, too out of place, and Len desperate to have eyes on him, and when their obvious differences started to tear at their seemingly unbreakable friendship.

It was only three months into the second year of middle school before Len started to feel that uncomfortable distance from Rin, the girl he never could have dreamt being separated from just over a year ago. He felt like he barely saw her—she was just another someone he waved to in the mornings and afternoons when departing to and from school. Their friendship groups were totally opposite: she hung out with the girls; he hung out with the boys.

Not to mention the sheer fact that if they ever talked to each other in front of everyone else, rumours would spread about them 'dating' or 'liking each other', which made Len feel anxious, because—ah, well—_because_ he didn't really want people to think he was interested in a girl like Rin. She was too quiet, too nerdy and too _uncool_—he wanted to attract girls more like Miku Hatsune; the outgoing, athletic, bubbly type.

She approached him one afternoon outside the bike racks when he was hanging out with his friends. As per usual, her short, blonde hair was clipped back neatly, and she had an overflowing bag alongside an armful of textbooks. When Len and his friends turned to look at her, she smiled sheepishly and looked at the ground, shuffling closer to Len.

"Um, hi," she said quietly.

"Hi," Len answered back, glancing nervously at his friends, who had smirks on their faces. "What's up?"

Rin tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, looking up at Len from underneath her long, thick lashes. He felt himself turning a bit pink. "Are you busy tomorrow afternoon? 'cus I was going to go to the pictures with one of my other friends, but something came up with them, and so I was wondering if you were interested in seeing that movie you said you wanted to see last week."

Len felt all eyes on him as a few of his friends made stupid sounds and chuckled. He rubbed the back of his neck uncertainly, a certain guilt coming over him as Rin's big, blue eyes peered curiously up at his. "Um… well…" He really wanted to say yes, but not in front of his friends, whose beady stares were watching him mockingly. "Sorry, I'm busy all weekend. Maybe next time, Rin?"

A simple look of disappointment came over her face. "That's fine," she answered, now turning pink herself. She seemed a little abashed, glancing around at the group, hugging her textbooks tighter to her chest. The girl laughed awkwardly, and muttered, "See you later." And in a rush, she'd disappeared down the footpath in the direction for home.

There would never be a next time, though, because Rin would never ask again: she wouldn't meet his eyes in the hallway, and would leave early from home and arrive late from school to avoid crossing his path. Len felt frustrated over her weird, distanced behaviour; it was only one time he rejected her offer, right?

But soon his frustration was replaced with a certain sadness, as he progressed further into life and watched her move on, because he told himself their friendship was probably never meant to last anyway.

That didn't mean he didn't miss her, though.

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High school was different, and their roles in the school community had taken 180° turns. Rin overcame her shyness somewhat, and emerged as a socialite that everyone adored. Len lingered in the shadows, and made limited effort to talk with other people.

His mother was a little worried about his lack of friends, as he'd gotten rid of the others and would often spend time in his room, alone, doing God knows what. But Len felt comfortable just being an observer and staying out of things that required commitment and effort; and used all his extra free time for things like study instead.

Every school day, while getting dressed, he'd watch Rin leave the house at approximately 7:30am in her neatly pressed uniform—her hair always framed with a matching ribbon. She'd bounce with every step, and at the gate she'd meet Miku, her new best friend, and they would stride past his house in the direction for the school.

In the classes he had with her, he'd watch Rin flit between groups of people to chat, and always be eager to answer the questions asked by the teacher. In the hallways she'd always stop to greet others, christening people with her sun-like grace. And at lunch she'd sit with the music students—the high-achieving students that people aspired to be and worshipped—for she was one of them, too.

He'd only watch these things in his daily, unchanging and boring life, almost envious of those who were lucky to interact with her. It was blatantly obvious Len had a permanent regret lodged in his chest for turning Rin away that one day; although the idea of her holding a grudge against him for _that_ left him in a spiralling bought of confusion and vexation.

Len could never really understand girls.

At 4:30pm Rin would come home from school, and do homework until 6pm. Len would sit in his room reading, and every now and then snatch a glance at her furiously scribbling with her head down. She would then take a bath and have dinner, returning to her room at 7pm. This would be about the same time Len would come out of the bath, and he would sit at his desk by the window sketching, listening while she'd practice her scales. She had a sweet, gentle voice; the kind which could lull you to sleep.

Sometimes, at very sporadic moments, Len would glance up from reading or drawing or studying and meet Rin's gaze from her window. It would be only a brief, infrequent experience, though, as she'd quickly move her gaze away and act as if nothing happened. It was literally the only time Rin acknowledged Len's existence.

Maybe Len would stare at her back for a little longer, sometimes, knowing she knew he was looking at her. At first, he'd expected her to move, or shout obscenities at him, but she would always pretend she didn't notice. He didn't know why she did that, but didn't want to question it, either.

On the weekends, she'd occasionally go out with her friends until her curfew of 11 o'clock. These times, Len wished she had a little bit more of awareness towards her privacy—especially since Len's bedroom was directly across from hers, and he could see as clear as day into her room. It's like she'd forget every time her curtains were wide open, so when she'd get undressed from her outwear, Len could see everything.

It was something Len hated, yet ruefully loved at the same time. He would be sitting at his desk or lying on his bed, when her bedroom light would flick on and he'd glance over to her window habitually. She'd stride across her room in high spirits with a bright smile on her lips and start to remove all her accessories. He would know—anticipate—her next action, as she'd turn away to look in her mirror and unzip her dress, allowing the sleeves to fall over her shoulders and down to her waist, exposing her bare skin underneath.

The sight was enough to send Len's skin prickling with heat and excitement, and while he'd feel dirty and ashamed of his actions, he couldn't take his eyes off her either. Sometimes she'd be wearing undergarments, but her bare skin was enough to send the hormonal teenager reeling, and the best nights—the best nights of them all—were the nights when she wasn't wearing anything but a pair of light, lace underwear.

Len was nothing but a boy deprived of these sexual fantasies, and would indulge himself on the sights of his naïve neighbour. He would grow warm inside, as his eyes would hungrily trail over the flawless skin of her back, and she'd unknowingly turn around to face her bed, allowing Len to get an eye-full of her small, soft-looking breasts. A hard spot would grow unconsciously between his legs as she would stretch and sweep her hands over her chest, bumping her budding, pink nipples, and once again, the horny teenager would know that such small exposures would be enough to fulfil his long-awaited love-making session with himself later that night.

After he'd made a mess of himself, the girl next door already fast asleep, he would feel the instant regret of his poor choices, knowing he'd have trouble looking at her that next school day without picturing her petite breasts in his mind and the memories of imagining his hands running over them. If only the poor girl knew she was the one in control of her neighbour's midnight fantasies.

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In their last year of high school, Rin caught the eye of one of the other neighbours—the charming and wild Kaito Shion. He was about 20, tall and handsome-looking; an eye-candy to every girl in the small town which they lived in. Len had always disliked Kaito with his vain attitude and tendency to be always drunk, and when the blue-haired man and Rin had started dating, it only fuelled his dislike more.

He would watch in jealousy as every Friday night, the two would go out together, and Rin would dress herself up and apply as much makeup as possible. When Kaito would pick her up, tipsy as usual, the two love-birds would stride down the street towards the centre of town, arm-in-arm, Rin all over the rotten boy.

After their nights out, Rin would invite Kaito into her bedroom, where they would kiss and fondle and do all-sorts of stuff that made Len want to send a knife through her window. Sometimes Kaito would ask Rin something—a question Len could just about predict—and giggling, embarrassed, she would decline, saying, "Oh Kaito, I can't do that just yet."

Every now and again, Kaito would not like that answer. He'd raise his voice at Rin and tower over her, demanding, "Why? Why not?" and Rin would shrink back against the wall, as if she was worried he'd hit her. Every time this happened, Len would make a noise, like cough loudly or slam a book on his desk, as if to send a kind reminder that he was in earshot—and every time that action would work, and Kaito would leave in a frustrated, discomfited flurry.

One Friday night, in the fifth month of Kaito and Rin's relationship, Rin didn't come home by her curfew like she usually would. He saw her mother step outside onto their porch to look out for her, but there was no sign of Rin. It was out of character—Rin was never one to challenge her limits. Perhaps the movie went longer than usual, Len thought to himself, or she just lost track of time.

But even though he tried to comfort himself with those thoughts, he lie awake in bed, worried, as if anything were to happen to Rin—well, she physically _couldn't_ protect herself. He tossed and turned, anxious, until around 12:30am, a loud wailing sound came from outside his window.

Len sat up in his bed abruptly, cocking his head to the sound. Someone from outside was screaming, "Mumma! Mumma!"

He moved quickly to his window and looked down into Rin's front yard. Someone was doubled over on the porch, wailing into their hands—and it only took Len a few moments to recognise that person was Rin herself.

The porch light flicked on as her parents emerged from the house, and revealed Rin in a tattered dress, her hair a mess and her makeup streaking down her cheeks. Bruises covered her arms and neck. There was no sign of Kaito; just the poor, helpless girl, who looked like a beaten puppy. "Mumma," she cried as her mother pulled her into an embrace. Her father seemed so angry, silently pacing across the deck, his hands balled at his sides.

"Oh Rin, oh Rin," her mother answered, sounding distraught as she brought her fingers through her matted locks. Her parents helped the trembling girl up and lead her inside, and for the rest of the night, there was silence, and Len did not see Rin return to her room.

It was the worst sleep, as he was boiling with rage. _That Kaito, that bastard Kaito! _he thought over and over again, as the hints gave it away that disgusting man had done something terrible to Rin. Len dreamt of hurting Kaito, hurting him so bad, causing him the pain he caused his tiny, innocent neighbour.

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Rin didn't appear at school for an entire week—something that was rare for the overachiever. She would stay in her room all day, Len observed, and stare at her white walls, huddled in on herself. Sometimes he'd hear her weeping, and that would just break Len's heart.

Rumours spread at school in the meantime—Rin was raped; she was pregnant—things such as that. The anger had been boiling in Len's chest for those past few days, as he dwelled over the thought of Kaito raping Rin—_impregnating _her—leaving her alone and helpless to die. Some days, as he strode past that blue-haired jerk's house, he fought the urge to peg rocks at his window. But Kaito hadn't emerged from his house for the past week, though, either.

Finally, the Monday after that long and horrific week, Rin appeared at school again with a wide smile and a bubbly attitude, despite the bruise under her chin that was attempted to be hidden with hair and makeup, and everyone instantly forgot the rumours. But Len could not bear the way she'd returned, looking so strangely upbeat, when the night before she was sobbing quietly into her sheets.

He knew that she was still broken inside.

Eventually, news travelled from Rin's parents to his, confirming, "Kaito attempted to rape Rin by luring her into an alleyway after they'd been to the theatre, and that Rin had narrowly escaped by kicking Kaito in the crotch with the heel of her shoe." Len cringed, but agreed that he deserved it—he deserved all of the pain for being a greedy, horny bastard.

In some ways, Len wished he was friends with Rin. He wished he could have protected her, comforted her. But all Len was, was an observer.

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About three weeks after the incident, Len was walking to the library on a Sunday afternoon when he heard yelling. He lifted his head from his book to look at the perpetrators, but no one was to be seen.

"Let me go! Let me go!" a female voice was sobbing, apparently panicked. "Please, please let me go!"

Anxious, Len picked up his pace, following in the direction of the voices. Up ahead there was a small side-street tucked in between two buildings, and he guessed the arguing came from that direction. He slowed at the opening for the street and peered around the corner.

Oh God. A bitter taste hit his tongue.

A tall, swaying Kaito Shion stood over a familiar female, her arm held tightly in his hand. As she struggled to pull away, he recognised the tell-tale ribbon which belong to Rin, and felt himself grow queasy.

"Shh, please baby, please listen to me," Kaito slurred, once again drunk like usual, a hand over Rin's mouth. Tears were streaming down her face, her eyes wide in fear.

Len could feel his heart beating in his ears, loudly, so loud it hurt. A mixture of vehemence and alarm rushed through his veins, causing the hairs on the back of his neck to stand on edge. Before he even registered what he was doing, he felt himself step into the side street, and ask, "What're you doing?"

Realisation dawned on him as Kaito turned to look at him with dark, bloodshot eyes. His hands began to tremble, and he fumbled with his book nervously.

"None of ya business, ya weed," Kaito snapped back, yanking Rin against him. "Move along, now."

Len's eyes flickered to Rin's face, as she stared at him with a strange expression. "It's my business," he answered as evenly as possible, but even his voice shook. "The lady didn't want you touching her."

Kaito licked his lips. "'that so?" he drawled, stumbling towards Len, who tensed up. "Well she's _ma_ lady, and this is none of ya business."

"She's not yer lady!" Len exclaimed hotly, flushing. He faltered, surprised by his outburst, but the anger soon returned in overwhelming waves. "You nearly raped her, y'son of a bitch!"

Immediately, the scrawny boy regretted his words. The drunken young man tilted his head back and stared down at Len menacingly, a cruel smile appearing on his lips. "What'd ya call me?"

Len took an anxious step back. "S-son of a bitch," he stammered, trying to sound confident, but woefully failing.

"Kaito, Kaito, no, please don't do this," Rin started to choke out as the blue-haired man pushed her away and took three long strides towards Len. "Kaito, please ignore him, please. Oh Lord, save our souls, oh Lord."

Kaito grabbed Len by the collar, pulling him up to his face to breathe his alcohol-ridden breath on him. Len gulped. "First, ya come disturb us, then ya try to get involved, and then ya call me a _son of a bitch_," he hissed. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't throttle ya right now."

Len whimpered.

The first blow was to his stomach. Hard. It left him gasping for air, the world around him spinning. Kaito took his disorientation to advantage to throw him onto the ground and land another punch in his face. Pain exploded across his head, and he heard a loud, horrified scream—he wasn't entirely sure whether it was his or someone else's. The world swirled, black and blue, as something hard slammed into the right side of his face. His whole cheek and ear stung, and he could barely open his eyes. His cheeks were wet with his own tears.

He was picked up and thrown back onto the ground again, something snapping somewhere in his body, before another burst of pain erupted from his chest. He never knew Kaito was so strong; he regretted everything. Everything.

"Help! Help!" Rin wailed somewhere in the distance. Her voice disappeared as Kaito pounded at him again, being drowned out by the ringing in his ears. Pain etched in every part of his body. It hurt, it hurt, oh God did it _hurt_. He felt like he was going to die, then and there.

Kaito halted in his abuse briefly, causing Len to believe he was finished, but that was not the case. Randomly, after a moment of painful relief, Kaito ended it with one last blow to his head—sending Len into darkness.

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Len woke up in the white, sterilised room of the hospital. His whole body felt swollen and sore, and he could hardly move. The room swayed dangerously as he gripped at his bearings, and his mother's worried gaze was the first thing he saw.

"Oh Len, my baby," she said, gently stroking his face, a pitiful look on her face. "Oh, what am I going to do with you?"

"Where's Rin?" Len murmured, before wincing as pain shoots through his jaw. "Is she alright?"

His mother pursed her lips, eyebrows meeting. "She's fine, honey, she's fine. She was here before but left to go back home. Your father is absolutely furious."

"At me?" he groaned.

The woman shook her head. "More so at that boy, Kaito. The police are supposedly dealing with him about all of this."

He closed his eyes, sighing wearily. "But Rin is alright?"

"Yes, she is," his mother replied. She fell silent for a few moments, brushing her hand gently over his face, before lifting it from his skin. "I'll let you rest."

She left, letting Len be in the quiet of the hospital room. He could tell she wasn't very happy—she wasn't very happy about him getting his bones beaten.

But—he didn't even know what overcame him.

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He was freed a week later, with a fractured collarbone and many, many bruises to show. He did not see Rin in all the time he was at the hospital—she probably just felt he was a meddling twat. His mother just shook her head, and his father seemed terribly bitter about it all.

When Len went back to school—not that it really mattered, as he had several weeks left of it before he graduated, anyway—it seemed everyone had already heard the news. Things travelled fast in this small town; that's the one thing Len learnt in all of his 18 years of living here.

On a Saturday morning the week before his graduation, as Len stooped out to retrieve the newspaper and mail by request of his mother, he was greeted by Rin sitting on the front porch with a book in her hands. "Good morning," she called and he jumped in surprise, not realising her presence.

"Good morning," he'd blurted back awkwardly, shocked she had even made the effort to speak to him. She never cast a second glance in his direction in all the time at school, recently.

"Are you doing much today?" she asked when he was headed back to the front door.

Len shrugged. "I dunno."

"Well if you're not, you could come over and play a game of blackjack with me," she offered cheerily.

He stopped in his path to look at her, to observe whether she was being serious or not. Rin smiled pleasantly and raised an eyebrow at him. Finally, he said, "Um, sure—why not?" He offered a hesitant smile back, to which she grinned even wider at.

"Really? Is ten alright?"

It was already 9:30. "Yeah."

"Okay, good!" Rin stood from her seat and shut her book. "I'll see you then." The blonde-haired girl disappeared into the house in high spirits.

Len swallowed, uneasy, before slinking back inside to eat his breakfast. He changed into a better blouse and jeans, and made sure to brush his hair and teeth. He paced around the rest of the house anxiously waiting for 10 o'clock, and finally that time came.

He approached Rin's front door with apprehension, but before he could even knock, the door was swung open by the girl herself. She'd placed a ribbon in her hair, but remained in the same clothes earlier—a sleeved and collared, patterned dress that hugged her petite waist.

She ushered Len inside, and he scanned the interior he hadn't seen since the beginning of middle school. A few things had changed, here and there—but it still reminded him of the memories of their early childhood, when he and Rin ran up and down the walls in their seemingly never-ending youth-fuelled energy. Rin brushed past him to lead him down the hallway to the dining room. She offered him a chair across from hers, where cards were already waiting.

He realised, then, that Rin's parents were absent.

He asked about them and she tittered timidly; he felt like she'd taken his question in a way he didn't mean. "They're out of town today, visiting a friend. But they should be back sometime after twelve o'clock."

"Oh," he said, "alright."

She smiled at him from across the table, before turning her attention back to the cards. "Do you know how to play blackjack?"

"I guess," Len answered, thinking back to the times he'd play with his parents every now and again.

They fell into an awkward silence as she dealt the cards between them. Finally, she set the rest of the cards aside, and looked up at Len. "You are crazy, you know that?"

He frowned. "Yes?"

"I don't mean it in a bad way," she explained, picking up her hand. "It's just—you are—you are so peculiar, you are, Len. I want to get angry at you for what you did, but I realise I can't, because what you did—well, it was certainly _brave_—"

"I can't stand how y' act like what Kaito did to you barely affected you," Len interrupted calmly. The girl blinked, falling quiet. "I know you didn't want people to get involved. But the way he treated you—y' were nothing more than a sex object." And it angered him. It angered him because she pretended it wasn't the case—she pretended she was so strong and could handle things herself when in fact, she was just as weak as him.

Rin's eyes had dropped to the table, and all of a sudden, the very happy, effervescent girl disappeared. "But when someone wants you," she answered gently, "for any reason at all, it makes you feel like you have worth, right? I just want to be wanted by someone." Her voice trembled a little, but Len tried to ignore it. "I thought I could change him. But it just proved I was as powerless as you were."

He looked out the window to his right. He felt guilty. But he also felt dejected. "He tried to rape you, Rin," he stated. "And the way he hurt you—I just couldn't—" He stopped as he heard a loud sob—from her.

"Why are you trying to meddle in my affairs, Len? Why must you always pry into my business? I always left you alone, I left you alone when you no longer wanted me there," she cried.

Len closed his eyes and stood from his chair. _So much_ for a game of blackjack. Instead, he made a girl cry—that girl being Rin. Why, why, _why?_ he asked himself, as he turned all the while having an internal battle, deciding whether to leave. He wanted to say things, he wanted to tell her words—but he just felt too exhausted to do so.

Rin stood quickly as well, grabbing his arm. Len tried to pull it from her grasp, but it didn't work. Her grip only tightened. "I never didn't want y' there, for goodness' sake, Rin," he answered hotly, feeling his cheeks burn with exasperation. "I never said I made any good choices in my life, though."

She wiped her eyes with the back of her other hand. "Oh God, you act like you know nothing," she snapped back.

"Well, I can't read minds," he responded sardonically.

She dropped his arm abruptly, glaring up at him with her teary, swollen eyes. "Your friends, they told me you were sick of me," she said. "They cornered me in a classroom and pushed me around, told me you thought I was clingy like a baby. Told me you didn't want to be friends with me."

He listened to her words, running them through her head, thinking, _Lord, what is she on about? _Then he finally realised.

Len rubbed his face and muttered, "Oh God." His voice came out strained. They—his friends from middle school—must've seen her weakness and told her lies to drive her away, that's what. He would never say anything like that about Rin. He adored her. He still and always would adore her. Rin opened her mouth to say more, but he turned away.

He heard Rin move. "So it's true?"

Len sighed, shaking his head. "They were nasty, nasty boys, Rin; would you ever believe what they would say? I was embarrassed, desperate to impress, but I never hated you."

"Yet you never tried to reinforce that?"

The boy looked at her from over his shoulder, blinking his pale, blue eyes tiredly. "You ignored me and never questioned it."

She bit her lip, eyes searching the floor. She was silent. Len looked back down the hallway at the front door and slowly moved forward. Whilst he wanted to be Rin's friend—to gain her trust again—he also just couldn't be bothered. Maybe it was because they'd became too different; that Rin was no longer the girl who made mud pies or rode a pretty yellow bike up and down their street, and that he was no longer the boy who was known as her best friend. She had people to please, expectations to fulfil—Len only did things for himself.

Speaking with Rin only made him feel further and further away from the past. It hurt; he wanted to think of her as that innocent girl he was once best friends with. But God, were they too grown up. And he _knew_ that; just chose to ignore it. He bitterly realised that he realistically no longer looked at her as the girl she once was, but as a woman. And he—he was a man. And he wanted her for all the wrong reasons, which he tried to dismiss quietly in the back of his mind, because he felt so godforsaken guilty about it.

"You're leaving?" Rin asked in a tiny voice, her footsteps following after him.

Len didn't want to say anything. He thought he might vomit, or cry, or something. Her hand brushed the back of his shirt and he anxiously lurched forward, away from her touch. He felt as if she touched him, he would explode.

Rin whimpered. "Gee, Len, I'm _sorry_. But—"

"Please," he said quietly, cutting her off. "Don't be sorry when you're not sorry. Let's just forget about it for now. Please."

Rin didn't reply, but he knew she was standing behind him the whole time.

He opened the door and stepped out into the blinding sunlight. He turned back around and Rin stood in the doorway, looking pale and fragile. Her eyes were on the ground. "You don't hate me, d'you?" she asked.

Len exhaled. "No."

"Alright." Rin shifted uneasily, hugging her arms around her waist.

He looked for a long time at her. Her hair never changed its style, much. It was still short and golden, and she still clipped her fringe from her face. However, she had developed the features of a woman: high cheek bones, a slim face, wide hips and small, yet bourgeoning breasts. It was terrifyingly pleasing to be aware of, and that's why Len felt so horribly guilty about himself.

"Rin," he addressed. She lifted her eyes from the porch. "You _are_ wanted, alright? And nobody like Kaito deserves someone like you."

Then he left with a sick feeling in his stomach.

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Graduation came, and Len said goodbye to that part of his life he never really felt fond of. He found a job at a shoemaking factory just outside of town, spent most of his summer there growing blisters on his hands. He and Rin never talked; the only time he would see her was at nights and early mornings from his window. She had a job, too, at an antique shop down the road; but, well, he only knew that because his mother told him.

Winter then came, and the shoe factory closed down, so he was back home again. His mother told him they were having a Christmas party, inviting the entire street, and he'd asked, "Even Rin's house?" without thinking, and she looked at him funny to say, "Well, yes, of course."

He'd lie in his bed that night worried about the outcome. Would she even come? Well, he already knew she would: she couldn't disappoint people. But God… he couldn't handle the way she blatantly ignored him always.

He helped his mother clean and prepare the house the week before the event, and put up the decorations she couldn't reach. It was a busy week preparing for a happening which would only last a night.

Len stared at himself in the bathroom mirror on the day of the party; an awkward hybrid between boy and man, dressed in a Christmas-themed sweater his mother knit for him and a matching pair of trousers. His hair had been gelled neatly to the side and his lips were chapped from the cold. He grabbed a punnet of Carmex just as he heard his mother call his name, and ran it over the sore surface of his mouth before placing it hastily back into the cupboard.

When he went back downstairs some guests had already arrived. He didn't know the people well, but would greet them kindly and lead them into their dining room. The older people would compliment his manners, others would brush him off. Most people were middle aged, so Len felt awkward and out of place.

He was serving platters when he heard Rin's airy voice drift from somewhere in the house. His mother called his name once again, and on cue he set the platters aside on the table and nervously weaved his way down the hallway. His mother stood chatting with Rin's parents, and Rin stood aside staring into space. She was wearing a matching button-up coat and skirt, and a thick, fluffy scarf. Her cheeks were red from the cold.

"Take their coats and lead them to the dining room, will you, Len?" his mother asked, and Len tore his gaze away from Rin to nod, flustered.

They stepped inside and the family handed their jackets, coats and scarves over, in which Len hung on the coat rack nearby. He then led them down the dim lit hallway, back to the loud chatter of voices of the other guests, into the dining room. Rin didn't even cast a second glance his way.

He resumed his usual work to keep himself busy from his chewing thoughts, avoiding the girl's gaze whenever he came across her path.

/

Later in the night, when the adults were too drunk to bother him and everyone were full to the brim from their meals, Len wandered up to his room to take a break from the hustle and bustle of downstairs. Just as he made his way down the hallway to his room, Rin appeared from the bathroom ahead, making a surprised, "Oh," sound as she realised she was in Len's path.

Hesitantly, he nodded politely at her and stepped aside to let her past all the while avoiding her eyes. She went to pass him without a word, but stopped in her tracks at the end of the hallway, just as Len was about to wander into his room.

"Wait," her voice drifted up the hall, and Len turned his head to look at her. She stared back at him, her mouth gaping like a goldfish, but no sound coming out. She faltered, taking a step backwards, shrinking into the darkness. "Um, never mind."

She went to leave, but Len spoke before she could escape. "If downstairs is too noisy, y' can sit here," he offered, before turning pink on realising what he had said.

Rin had hesitated, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Her eyes wandered everywhere but his face. "Alright," she said after a moment. "I'll just go tell my parents where I'll be." She then disappeared down the stairs, her bow bobbing up and down with every movement.

Len stared after her, dazed, before turning into his room. He was stacking his books neater on his desk when Rin returned, a glass of water in hand. "We'll be leaving at 12:30," she stated, setting it aside and fixing her blouse.

"Okay," Len answered, not lifting his head as he turned around to straighten something else up in his room. "Sorry, you can sit at my desk if you want."

He heard Rin move and the slide of his desk chair against the floor. When he turned back around, she was seated neatly at his desk, her eyes scanning the books set on the shelves. "So many," she commented quietly.

"I guess." Len sat down on his bed and stared awkwardly down at his feet. He didn't think when he went to invite her on what they would do. He doesn't have much in terms of games; his mother got rid of them all years ago. All that was left was to sit and talk, but the last time they did that… _Well_…

Rin sighed. "So, what are you doing these days?"

"I dunno," Len said to his feet. He wriggled his toes. "The place I worked at went broke last month. I've just been helping Mum and all with the Christmas stuff. I dunno what I'm going to do after all this."

"Oh," Rin mumbled.

They fell into silence, until Len questioned, "So, you're still working at the antique shop?" He looked back up at her.

Rin gave him a look which said something along the lines of, _How did you know?_ before replying with, "Yes. I'm looking at going to college, though. I think I might become a lawyer."

"That's good."

It went quiet for a few more minutes, until Rin stood and walked to the door. Len opened his mouth to ask where she was going, but she simply closed his bedroom door, which he'd left open for obvious reasons. Len swallowed uneasily as Rin turned to sit back at the desk.

She met his gaze with her deep azure one. "What?"

"N-nothing," Len choked out, apparently flustered. He wiped his hands on his trousers and stood to stalk over to his window. It had started snowing lightly; the white flecks sparkling from the streetlights, dusting over the ground below. He stated the obvious to Rin and she joined him to watch the snow, fascinated as if it didn't snow every other winter.

"What a wonderful view," Rin mentioned, her eyes focusing on the side of Len's face.

He turned to look back at her. "Hmm?"

She glanced back out the window, her gaze set on her window across from them. "My room," she muttered.

Len laughed uncomfortably, ducking his head down to fight his guilty blush as memories of him spying on her came to mind. "Yeah."

At the same moment, the heat radiating from Rin made him become consciously aware of his proximity to her; how close he was to touching her, how he could just turn his head a little bit and—

He hastily peeled himself away from the window and walked across the room away from Rin; his skin prickling and his heart racing. Placing a hand over his mouth, Len sunk back into the mattress of his bed. No, no, he told himself; not a good time to do this right now, Len.

Rin's eyes had followed him across the room, and when he glanced up from the floor, he met her perpetrating gaze. She seemed to be studying him, like she knew what he was thinking, and he tore his gaze from hers in shame, thinking, _oh God, she can't read minds, can she?_

But Rin couldn't, thankfully. The girl—woman—young lady tucked her hair back and strode over to Len's side to sit beside him on the bed. He wanted to run away and hide—it was embarrassing, uncomfortable—he wanted to crawl out of his skin and die because there were a million dirty thoughts running through his head about her, and she was completely oblivious towards them.

"Gawd," she said, "what's gotten into you?"

Len fidgeted self-consciously. "What? What do you mean?"

Her cerulean eyes shifted over him with suspicion, and she frowned, creating dimples in her cheeks. "You're acting like you've got ants in your pants," she reasoned. "You can't even look me in the eye properly. What? Am I that intimidating?"

"No, of course, no," he responded with haste, all the while rubbing his hands gingerly on his trousers. "It's nothing."

Rin brusquely outstretched a hand of her own to put an end to his anxiety-induced hand rubbing. Len blanched. "Gee, well stop doing that with your hands. It's making me nervous."

He said nothing, instead looked away to his wall. He felt defeated, somewhat. Was this God's way of punishing him for having immoral thoughts and spying on Rin during her vulnerable moments?

A hand found its way to his shoulder, gently clamping over his sweater. "Len," Rin said into his ear, her breath tickling the side of his face. His neck and arms went up in goose bumps, and he desperately wanted to tear away from her desirable touch. "Now you're going to ignore me?"

Len didn't want to turn his head, because that meant he would be too close to her face. And God knows what he'd do in that situation.

Rin drew her other hand from his hand up his arm and rested her head on her hands, so her breath was now directed down his neck. He shivered internally, and closed his eyes, wishing for him to be released from this awkward and terrifying situation. But he knew none of his wishes were going to be granted.

He wanted to ask Rin what she was doing, but before he could say anything at all, she whispered unexpectedly, "You said I was wanted."

After a moment of hesitation while he thought back to their kerfuffle before graduation, Len nodded stiffly, feeling the top of her head brush against his jaw with each movement.

"Who told you that?" she asked quietly. "How do you know?"

"I…" His voice couldn't come out.

A small sound came from Rin. It took Len a moment to figure out she was crying. He stiffened warily, unsure of what to do or say. "No one," she murmured weakly. "No one wants a girl like me. No one wants a girl who has already been touched and taken of her innocence. No one, Len. No one."

Len couldn't move. He felt paralysed. He wanted to say, _no, Rin; that's not true_, he wanted to comfort her—but he also wanted to run his hands along her thighs and touch her in ways she'd never let him.

He choked out only sounds; nothing fitted together or formed a proper sentence.

Rin sobbed, wiping her face with her palm. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she mumbled, pulling away from him. "I'm always blaming everything on you and I'm sorry."

He finally looked at her; her puffy eyes and wet cheeks; a face that still looked so beautiful. Shakily, he reached out to touch a tear on her cheek, wiping it away gently with his thumb. Before he could register anymore of what he was doing, he was stroking the side of her face, and Rin had fallen silent.

Her hand reached up to his and held it where it was. "Please don't leave," she said.

"Why would I leave?" Len questioned hoarsely.

"Because the last time I cried, you left," she replied into his palm. "I know I'm annoying and I blame everything on you, but please don't leave me."

Len moved his hand from under hers to her neck. She gave him a clueless look; but Len had no idea of what he was doing, anyway. He then drew his fingertips down her arm, to her waist, to her thigh. The tips of his fingers felt electric, touching places he'd never dreamed of touching.

His heart beating against his chest, he let a thought wander into his mind that he'd blocked out many years before: oh yes, oh, was he in love with his beautiful neighbour, Rin. And he honestly couldn't ignore such feelings anymore.

He reached back up to her face to draw his finger over the surface of her lips. Rin stared, the skin on her cheeks turning red, burning up against the surface of his hand.

Len licked his lips, and took a deep breath. "Rin, I—"

An outburst of sound from downstairs cut him off mid-sentence, and he sat there with his mouth hanging open, the moment being lost. Rin tilted her head like a puppy, before her hands made their way onto his thighs, and she stood to lean towards him.

"Don't say it," she breathed into his ear. Len shuddered. "I already know it."

Len squeaked, his mouth opening and closing, before she pressed her lips against his ear lightly, and her hands found their way to his shoulders. She hovered over him, moving her warm, wet mouth down to his jaw, trailing it along the bone. Len felt his body betray his attempt of hiding his desires, and his hands unconsciously moved to the curved part of her waist, gripping tightly and pulling her down onto his lap.

Rin's lips found his mouth, and she brushed across his lips gently, earning a small moan from Len. He looked into her eyes, and her eyes looked back into his, her expression unreadable. He pulled away slightly to say into her chest, "Do you love me, too?"

She paused, her body turning rigid. "I…" she trailed off. Her hesitation made Len felt sick. She looked almost apologetic with her words. "I… don't know."

Not intentionally, he pushed her away a little roughly, hurt by her words and actions. Rin gazed at him forlornly, as he dropped his own eyes to the space on the bed between them. "Then please don't kiss me," he ordered softly.

"But… you want me to, don't you?" she asked back in a tiny voice that reminded him of a child. She seemed so innocent, so confused…

"I only want you to if you love me back," he answered, drawing his hands from her waist. "Please don't feel like you have to do this because I… love you. It hurts me more than it hurts you."

Rin shook her head. "Who said I was doing this only for you?"

"Why would you kiss a man you don't love?" Len inquired back, his voice sharp, as he himself too was confused and frustrated. He balled his hands into fists, tightening them until his knuckles turned white.

"I thought… maybe I could learn to love you too," she responded.

A hard rock had lodged in Len's chest. He stood, taking long strides across the room to his door, his head spinning. "Len, where are you going?" Rin cried. He swung around on his heel to meet her eyes and frowned. "You said you wouldn't leave me."

Tears stung in the corners of Len's eyes. The only girl he ever loved; she never loved him back. And yet, she took pity on his feelings for her, and God, it hurt so much. She would never love him back, and it hurt, hurt, _hurt_. It hurt more than Kaito's punches, in some way he couldn't describe. He hated Rin, he loved her, and she hurt him more than he could ever bargain for.

"Oh, Len." Rin stood from the bed, walking towards him. "I'm sorry."

He turned away, rubbing his head with his hand. He flinched when she touched his back, her hand smoothing over the bumps and lumps in his sweater. She then reached down to hold his hand with hers, before leading him back to the bed.

Her blue as blue eyes searched his face. "Len, Len, what I meant was that I love you, I love you as a friend or a brother, I don't hate you, I still want to be with you," she stated. "I'm just not _in love_ with you."

Len's heart was in his throat, throbbing, aching. He wanted to yell at her and tell her to leave; he wanted to cause her as much pain as she did to him. He felt guilty for having those thoughts, but he was too angry at Rin to want to take them back.

He just wanted to hurt her in the quietest way possible, hurt her more than physically, rather mentally—to show her what she'd done to him.

He felt her hand trail into his hand and her face hovered close to his, so he tilted his head back so that his lips touched hers. At first, she hesitated, but returned the kiss; soft, emotionless, and not adventurous. He pressed harder up against her lips, his hand now behind her head, their saliva mixing with Len's salty tears.

They broke apart, Rin panting, her lips swollen, but her eyes unable to meet Len's. He could tell she felt ashamed; and that was what he wanted. He dived back into her mouth with his, before pushing her back onto the surface of his bed and sliding his legs over her hips. He slipped his mouth down her neck, to the crook of her left shoulder, nibbling. He heard a small moan escape from Rin, her back arching slightly, and the warm feeling in Len's groin increased. He pressed himself against her, trying to give the girl as much pleasure as you could give to someone who didn't love you; her tiny moans and heavy breaths leaving him feeling rewarded.

She grabbed his roaming hands and led them to the buttons on her blouse, as if an invitation. He complied, hungrily unhooking the buttons and tearing her blouse open to reveal her pale skin and perky breasts. He trailed kisses down the middle, hands fumbling over her chest, a feeling of satisfaction sinking over him.

"L-Len," she panted, when his hands started to slide up her skirt. "Len, let's stop."

Len felt bad—dirty—hearing the pleading in her voice, and he felt like another Kaito; digging through her body when she wanted him to not. But he wasn't done. He wanted to make her feel so awful. He wanted to show her his pain.

He kissed her lips again to shun her, as her small hands try to push him away, but he tore them off him and held them back so he could push her skirt up to her hips. Her pretty underwear fitted neatly over her slim hips and thighs, something that screamed the word _virgin_ at him.

He shushed her protesting whimpers, running his hand over her crotch. The area was moist, soft. He dipped his finger deeper through the fabric of her underwear and Rin squirmed, mumbling, "Stop it, Len, please."

He then slipped his hand down the front of the fabric, feeling through the strange new area he did not have as his own. It was warm and wet and squishy, not quite like he imagined, and he wanted to delve deeper, further, to feel every unexplored inch of her.

"Len," she whined. "Oh Len, please, I can't have a child, I can't, I can't, my parents will kill you and me and you know that."

He moved his finger around; amused by the way she'd fidget and tense up. "I know," he said back calmly. "And I don't want that."

Rin fell quiet as a confused expression crossed her face, before she flinched and shuddered from Len's touch. "Please, please stop that," she whimpered. "Oh please, Len, this is too weird, please." The tone in her voice told him to stop, and hesitantly, he drew his hand from her underwear, his fingers soaked. Rin seemed horrified, as well as mortified, and pulled her skirt down with haste.

She sat up under him, her head turned away as she couldn't look him in the eye. "Did Kaito do that to you?" he then inquired gently, knowing that he'd hit a raw spot for Rin.

Rin bit her lip and nodded. Len asked no more questions, but brushed her messy hair down at the back. She leaned her head against his chest. "You hurt me, Rin," he muttered.

"I'm sorry," she answered in a weak voice.

Len slid from her lap and stood. "You should probably leave."

Rin started to button up her blouse, without a word, avoiding Len's eyes the entire time. Then she gathered herself and left.

He probably made her hate him. But he'd prefer her to hate him than try to give him an unrequited love.

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In the April of the next year, Rin found a man and got married. It was not long before the news spread that she was pregnant, said to be due at the beginning of next year. Len did not handle the news very well, but no one would notice anyway.

He now worked in the bakery. Every Saturday Rin would come in with her husband—a tall man with deep, turquoise eyes and lots of money—to buy their lunch, and it was ritual for Len to always duck out the back to pretend he was waiting for the next set of freshly baked goods to be ready so he could avoid them.

His mother also bothered him a lot about finding a girlfriend of his own, but if a girl so much as looked in Len's direction, he wouldn't even notice. The girl he wanted was already pregnant with another man's baby.

He'd considered several times quitting his job and going off to join the war, but neither of his parents agreed with the topic when he brought it up. Truthfully, Len desperately wanted a reason to escape the small town, feeling claustrophobic and depressed over his unfortunate life.

Then more news came in the very early autumn, and it seemed Rin suffered a miscarriage. The next time Len saw her, a brief glance through the glass window of the bakery, she'd looked tired and vacant.

He earned a Sunday off after working too much on overtime and pestering his boss with his ever-lingering presence in the bakery, so he spent it helping his mother tend to the garden. She was starting to grow too old and stubborn to do such work by herself, and it worried Len. She looked fragile as she fumbled for the weeds in the garden, her grip much weaker than it once was.

"Oh Len, oh, please will you get me some grandchildren before I conk it, will you?" she said, exasperated, as he took over her job for weeding and left her to raking the fallen leaves.

Len sighed tiredly, already having enough of the conversation. "Yes, ma," he mumbled, before someone's feet caught his attention on the other side of the fence, and he paled reasonably.

"Afternoon, Mrs Kagamine, Len," a cheery voice cited, and Len lifted his head to greet Rin. She stood in the yard of her house only a few feet away, a letter in her hand and the other placed over her stomach.

"Well, Rin! Hello," his mother responded with equal enthusiasm. However, Len remained silent.

She beamed brightly, stepping closer to lean on the fence separating the two houses. "Have you heard of the good news?" By the way she kept holding her stomach, Len had a feeling he already knew.

"Oh no, no good news here," his mother responded, shaking her head, before looking accusingly at Len, like he more so was the one who was the bearer of bad news. "What is the good news, my dear?"

Rin tittered excitedly, her blue eyes twinkling. "I'm pregnant!" she told them. "Oh Gee, I started feeling the symptoms, and I just went to the doctor this morning to have it confirmed!"

His mother gasped. "Oh, congratulations! How far are you?"

"6 weeks, I think," she claimed proudly. "Mikuo was ecstatic on hearing the news."

"That's great, Rin!" the woman praised. "I wish my son over here would hurry up and get his bearings, and find a woman already." She gestured his way and Rin looked at Len. He let his eyes fall to the ground, a mixture of emotions rushing through him. "I'll already be dead and decomposed by the time he finds one, I'm telling you!"

The two females burst into laughter, and Len shrunk back, setting his bucket of weeds to the ground. While the two were too busy bagging Len, he stooped back into the house and crouched on the floor at the end of the hallway.

A bearer of bad news, huh.

Well, he couldn't really bear anything at all, himself. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, trying to breathe. He hated himself as much as Rin hated him.

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It was a second miscarriage, and he could tell it was straining Rin and Mikuo's relationship. He heard them yelling, arguing over things, and he'd place a pillow over his head to try to block out the noise so he could sleep. Every time he saw Rin, she looked drained; a loss of hope.

He started seeing a girl, to make his mother happy. She had long blonde hair and sapphire blue eyes, and her name was Lily. She was pretty, sweet, well-mannered; but she wasn't Rin, and he found it very hard to love her.

And it wasn't very long until she picked up on it—their relationship ended abruptly with an embarrassing argument on the front porch in front of the entire neighbourhood, so that everyone knew Len's 'incapability of loving'. His mother looked at him with sad eyes when he came back inside, for she just felt sorry her son couldn't find a peace of mind.

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Third time lucky, Rin was saying this time. It was early January of the next year.

Instead of the usual Saturday routine, Rin came to the bakery without Mikuo to buy a loaf of bread. Len didn't expect to see her, or her little baby bump, and when it came to him serving her could only muster the word, "Hello."

"Hello, Len, how are you?" she'd asked politely, with a constant smile on her face. She always had her hand on her tummy, like she was trying to protect the unborn child. "Have you found another girlfriend for that humble mother of yours?"

He handed her the loaf of bread in a paper bag, and shook his head. "I'm just here. Always."

Rin's smile dipped, and she took the bag gently. "Well, I hope you have a nice day, anyway," she told him. Then, she left. This was his last meeting with Rin.

And Len continued on serving customers, like he did so, every single day.

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In March, Rin fell ill. Very, very ill.

It was the talk of the town, it seemed.

"Oh, she was finally having it right with her baby, too," his mother told him when he came home from work that evening. "The poor dear. I hope the baby doesn't die. I hope she doesn't die, too. Oh dear. Perhaps we should visit her sometime in hospital."

Len said nothing, continued to eat his dinner, and later left for his room.

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At the end of June, Rin went into labour.

It wasn't the happy kind of labour, either. Her condition had worsened considerably, and the doctors were saying she wasn't going to survive.

His mother sat by the phone in the post office down the road, anxiously waiting for Rin's father to call back with the news. She kept praying, and praying, and praying for her safety and wellbeing, and Len sat on the chair beside her, trying not to bring up lunch.

Finally, the shrill tone rang and she picked it up. "Hello? Yes. Yes," she said. She fell silent while the caller talked, and Len couldn't see her face to tell whether she was being told good news or not. A few moments later, she shakily murmured to Len over her shoulder the words he never wanted to hear: "Rin passed away."

For some reason, Len felt like he already knew it.

But it didn't stop the news from hitting him like a punch in the stomach. A wave of nausea overcame him and he stood, sprinting outside to throw up onto the grass. He felt dizzy, lost, unwell—but most of all, he wanted to cry, and cry, and cry. So he did exactly that. He crouched in on himself and sobbed into his knees, breaking—broken at heart and soul and mind. His mother soon came out to comfort him, stroking the top of his head like she did when he was younger.

"Oh, Len," she said gently, her voice trembling as she wept too. "At least Rin is no longer in pain, and the child survived. She would have wanted that."

**But Rin is not alive. She is not alive. She is not alive. She doesn't exist. She is dead, dead, dead. The only girl he fell in love with was dead.**

"What is the baby?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

"A girl," his mother replied. Len then resumed crying noisily. His mother buried her head into his hair. "Oh Len, my baby, I'm sorry."

His heart ached. His whole body ached with his sadness and his loss. "I love her, ma, I love her," he whispered. "I love her I love her I love her. Why? Why oh why?" He couldn't love her. He couldn't make her love him back. And now, she no longer existed. She was gone.

"I know," she said to him gently. "I know. Life is cruel, Len. Life is. It does that sort of thing. I'm sorry."

Len closed his eyes, and he began to wish he would die.

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><p>sooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooo<p>

this story = ? bad. very bad. I can't believe I wasted my entire long weekend typing up something believing it was going to be great (but then turned into a disaster)

I'm considering another chapter for this awfulness as it ends really abruptly. therefore, being me, there might be another chapter uploaded during Christmas time.

I really don't want to upload this, yet I do, so I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

pls R&R

EDIT: I'm going to leave the chapter as it is becaUSE I'M MEAN. and there's honestly no way to continue this as there's no technical story afterwards. the story ends when Rin dies. Len doesn't have any meaning to continue on.


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